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self-reflection

May 19, 2006

Somewhere along the line, I became a really grumpy person. I’ve always thought of myself as pretty happy, optimistic, and easygoing. OK, maybe not easygoing. But generally happy and upbeat, yes.

Lately, though, I find myself grumpy and annoyed at the smallest things. I mean, I think three years ago I might have found them small. Now they are incidents worthy of an increase in blood pressure.

For instance, yesterday, I was picking up a couple of things from the grocery store and the man behind me was a mouth-breather. But not a normal mouth-breather; he was an expressive mouth-breather.

So, he’s huffing away behind me as the woman in front is being rung up, and suddenly I hear him exhale, “…fifteen…” We were in the express lane and he was, apparently, COUNTING her yogurts under (well, maybe NOT under) his breath. And then he kept huffing. Mouth breathing, almost wheezing, but not quite wheezing, over my shoulder. I moved forward and he let out a HUGE whoosh! of air, like I was inconveniencing him by making him move forward before he was ready, but he moved forward anyway, until he was so close to me that I could not only feel his breath on my neck but could also smell his body odor.

And I left the store IRATE. That stupid, smelly mouth-breathing, item-counting jackass! It just got under my skin.

Today, I found myself getting irate again (also at the grocery store) over something similarly underwhelming, and I stopped myself. I literally stopped myself, in the aisle where I was shopping, to take a deep breath and ask myself, “When did I become this person? This person who gets annoyed at every little thing, who loses her temper over the everday encounters?” I don’t know the answer, but I think at least part of it is that I’m not sure I know how to relax anymore.

I don’t like being this person. I don’t like being stressed and pissy. I want to enjoy my grocery shopping. I want to enjoy walking down the street. I want to ride the bus or the train without having to suppress the urge to throttle someone. And the funny thing is that part of me insists that it’s everyone else who is rude, or inconsiderate, or unmannered, and that my bitchiness is justified. Frankly, it probably is that other people are oblivious to me and my cart trying to go down the aisle, or get on the train, or check out at the store without my airspace being polluted. I’m just not convinced that makes it OK for me to lose it.

I want to be a happy and upbeat person again.

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Categories: just me
  1. May 20, 2006 at 5:25 am

    hey there, came across your post all by coincidence. about how you feel right now, I think its good that you notice it. I think you just need to relax, and really live…

    what i find is that, when you are unhappy, every little things will bug ya. I’d say, let lose, have that desert that you want, buy that magazine that has the catchy title, and the one next to that also with the catchy picture.

    hmm… i dunno, treat yourself right, what i find these days is that people so often try to live the life that, other people say they should. and very often, those stress builds up, it might be keeping a certain eating habbit, might be cutting down on the budget cause some people needs to save some money. these everyday little things can add up.

  2. May 26, 2006 at 12:14 am

    I think our time tends to get more valuable (at least, to us) as we become older… there’s always something to do at any given time. Perhaps it’s that constant running around that makes us annoyed people.

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